Are you ready for some football? Juice file photo.
10 steps to talk like a football fan
Published on September 6th, 2013 | by Pete Myers
Our national obsession is back! College football season is here, distracting us until winter’s grip takes hold. We love this violent game, where ultra-sized men ram heads at fast speed.
The game is complex, yet football experts are plentiful. All of us have listened to football lingo and had no clue. If you’ve ever felt out of the loop or just want to fit in with pundits, here are simple guidelines on how to talk like a football fan.
1. Get to know the players who touch the ball. Your quarterback, running back and receiver. Pronounce the tough name correctly. Hawkeye fans remember, it’s Jake Roo-dock, not Rud-uck. And Iowa State, your QB is Sam Richardson (bonus points for expressing concern he was sporting an immobilizer after the season opener). Once football names start flying from your mouth on game day, you’re talking football.
2. Invest in a fantasy team. Soon, you’ll grasp unusual football terms like, goal line carries and red zone targets. Fantasy points will blur with reality points and you’ll talk football in your sleep. Just remember, nobody truly cares about your fantasy team, except for you.
3. During the game, pipe up and second guess the coach. It’s our God-given right as football fans. We’re in eight different fantasy leagues, therefore we know more than the coaching staff. Simply let out an exhale and declare, ‘I would have done something different there,” after a bad play.
4. You can behave like a football diehard, without really paying attention to the game. When everyone else yells, you yell too. It’s easy to disguise yourself, just scream away. You’ll fit right in.
5. Booing is a distasteful practice, but after a shanked kick or bad pass, let the boos fly. Kickers and quarterbacks make easy targets as their success or failure is easy to spot. Aim criticism at these positions and you’re talking like a football fan.
6. You can drop technical terms like: check down, zone-read and no huddle, or you can just say “get him” repeatedly until the bad guy is tackled. Ultimately the objective is to score and prevent the other team from doing the same. Don’t get complicated.
7. Never state the lesser score first when asked “Who’s winning?” Dead giveaway you’re not a football fan. The leading score goes first. Every time.
8. If you’re ever on TV at the game, look into the camera and yell, “Wooooo!” incoherently until cut off. It’s football fan instinct. If you’re really comfortable, throw up the index finger and say, “We’re No. 1!”
9. See potential in the freshman linebacker or rookie tight end. “I really like (insert new player name).” Football fans can predict the future. If you’re optimistic about the new player, who turns out great, you have instant bragging rights.
10. Football isn’t over after 60 minutes. A true football fan will talk about the game hours after completion. Center your attention on a particular play that turned your team’s fortune. Be prepared to discuss and re-watch the play dozens of times with your new friends.
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